So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
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Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
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I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.