I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
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he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
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This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.