You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.