If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
25 Men Talk About the First Time They Went Down On A Woman
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
23 Ex Fraternity Brothers & Sorority Sisters Confess Their Most Insane Stories
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok