my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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