I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
