She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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