Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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