In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
