I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
