apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Everclear isn't food dammit
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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