Life is so much better after having sex.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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