Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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