Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
