well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
