literally had 100 drinks last night.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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