Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
