I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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