some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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