I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
