And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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