I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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