he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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