Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i barfeds in our rink
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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