You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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