When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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