i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
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how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
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I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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