Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
