It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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