dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He passed out mid-signature
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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