I hate all girls vehemently.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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