After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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