Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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