Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
