Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I don't deserve a penis
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize