I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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