the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
