I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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