Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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