Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
