Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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