There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
