All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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