i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis