Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
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It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
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Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store