I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
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It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy