dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
