Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
