He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
