totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
