Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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