Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
