just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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