I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
