I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
