the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
