I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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