Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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