woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
