The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
