so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
