dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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