I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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