so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
